I said this blog was for a change ... here is the start

I think to myself and wonder what parts of me are now hiding, missing, perhaps even gone....

What did you use to do that you loved and is no more?

Is it because you have grown up and changed?

You lost interest?

Your life style has changed and you no longer have time for yourself?

Money of course causes us to alter ourselves, is that your reason?

What ... why do we change things that at one time meant so much to us???

There is so many things I think of when I say who is Ashley Weatherill and sooo many of that lost or gone when I think of myself as Ashley Brown.

So who is Ashley Weatherill

• A girl who always went after what she wanted - nothing was going to stop me (thats how I got brad right)
• A girl who lived life to the fullest every moment of the day - because I realized young that you never really know how much time you have here on earth so make the most of it.
• An extremely talented and gifted person who took passion in music, writing, and the arts. I have tattoos to remind me of this ...
• A life surrounded with friends .. who most of the time were more like family - although most of my friends have passed away now - they were the backbone to my exsitance.
• Outgoing and fun to be around - the life of the party most of the time

So who is Ashley Brown - Lost

• I still sometimes go after what I want - I did just graduate and I am always starting new ideas - but are these things really what I want or what I feel I have to do....???
• I dont live life anymore - life lives me .... I feel like each day just comes and goes with no real meaning - I did not put an effort to make the most out of it.
• Sure I am still talented - But when was the last time I sat in down and played music (not that I can anymore) I dont know the last time I picked up a pencil and wrote (even though most people dont like my writing as it is kinda disturbed) and the arts - I have not been to anything relating to the arts in I dont know how long.... *sigh*
• Friends - well I have made a few new friends from school and scrapbooking, however, since we moved to welland and out of grimsby - and oh ya most of them are dead ... or lives 2 hours away... they are not the backbone anymore. I think I went from a whole cirlce down to I dont know - Alanna, Becky and Brad as my support.
• HAHAH I laugh when I go out now ... everyone including Brad says that I am not the same outgoing fun to be around me... that Ihave changed and its not all that fun.

Who is Ashley Brown - Found

Becoming this new person of course has had many great things and I dont want to seem like everything has gone downhill.

• I married my best friend ... someone who I have no problem talking to, who listens, and is sooo supportive
• I have the most beautiful daughter and another child on the way
• I have a household, a vehicle, and material things that I would have never had
• I have completed college - something I never thought would be possible
• I have started my own business - www.buildabearparty.webs.com

All of this is wonderful of course I just feel that there is me missing in the mix ....

You know what ... I did write something not long ago ... perhaps then I should have opened my eyes as I read it now .. I realize that for months I still have not done anything...

Do you know ...

I close my eyes and hear the roaring of the waves smashing against the shoreline, I feel the cool crisp air against my skin, the emptiness around me, as I sit here in this life and wonder!

Who am I, who is this woman I have become... Am I the one who was discarded but not forgotten, Am I the rare image your mind portrays and your soal seeks

I am not the sound of my voice or the volume of my laughter. I am not just a wife, mother, sister or daughter. I lost myself somewhere along the way, now how do I find myself again .. or have I ever even really known myself ... Have I walked through this life pretending to be someone you want me to be?

If I died today, how many would mourn me, what would they say?

Who am I?

So what am I going to do????

I dont know really ... how to start ... except that I need to spend more time with my family

1. no computer after 4:00pm (unless for banking, business, or scrapbooking) - Thus allowing me to spend quality time with my family and not being bored wasting my time on facebook
2. Well ... I am a stay at home mom with a newborn on the way so I can not sign up for something yet ... but I am going to look into "mommy and me" groups so I can take the kids out. - This way I get to meet some new people in the same life stage and possibly make some new friends out this way.
3. I need something for me - Brad has golf and baseball, Mykayla has soccer ... so once I am able I am going to sign up for something - not sure what yet ... perhaps a dance class or a writing class. - This way I have something I love and am passionate about back into my life.
4. Try to live my life more positive ... if your not positive and living life to the fullest then please leave me alone - I dont want to be dragged down. So please no complaining, bitching, think of your glass FULL !!!
5. During the day - I spend so much time on the computer and not playing or cleaning or doing what it is I am suppose to ... so on nice days I will be outside w/ the kids. I will have time for computers early in the morning or after lunch. And the TV is going back off.... there will be NO TV on during the day except for movie time (just after lunch) !!

I dont know where else or what else to do ... if you have any ideas please let me know.

ALSO answer the main question at the begining of this whole blog!!!